Download PDF The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, by Esther Perel
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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, by Esther Perel
Download PDF The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, by Esther Perel
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Review
“[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” (NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads)“[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.” (Guardian (UK))“As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.” (Shondaland)“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“ (The New York Times)“Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships.” (The Cut, New York Magazine)“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.” (O Magazine, 10 Books To Pick Up Now)“In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.” (Esquire)“Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world’s foremost authority on infidelity.” (GQ, UK)“Esther Perel is America’s first clear-eyed public intellectual on love.” (Quartz)“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.” (Sunday Times Style by The Times of London)
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From the Back Cover
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
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Product details
Paperback: 352 pages
Publisher: Harper Paperbacks; Reprint edition (October 9, 2018)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780062322593
ISBN-13: 978-0062322593
ASIN: 0062322591
Product Dimensions:
5.3 x 0.8 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
205 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#7,276 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Esther Perel is an outstanding therapist and author. One of the most well-written self-helps books I've ever read. Her ideas resonated with me most of the book, until it took a turn for the worst, seeming to accept our culture's new attitudes about "consent" to make the Poly-Amory movement OK. Just because someone agrees to participate (often with a lot of arm-twisting or one person just trying to please a potentially straying partner) doesn't make it "right" or healthy. There has been a lot of research about the need for a healthy, trusting attachment throughout the lifespan, and that includes as adults. The poly-amory movement tries to distinguish itself from the "wife-swapping" of the 1960's by establishing all kinds of "rules" and "agreements" that feign to protect the primary relationship from harm. Well, I've seen a lot of break ups and broken hearts that have resulted from poly-amorous arrangements. I will be very interested to see some longitudinal studies done because I fully expect these arrangements to not be successful long term. I'm sorry, but as an infidelity specialist for 30 years, I haven't seen long-lasting positive results from this social experiment. I was surprised that such a savvy therapist as Ms. Perel would take an accepting stance on poly-amory. Especially after the wisdom she demonstrated throughout the rest of her book.
I started following Esther Perel's work years ago when she did a riveting TEDtalk about infidelity & she authored a fascinating book called MATING IN CAPTIVITY. Both captivated me --not just because it's a titillating topic or because we were finally getting access to the underbelly of relationships that nobody openly discusses-- but because her work is full of human truths. About desire, love, the often inconvenient construct of marriage, egos, the secret longings people hide. Loneliness. Communication and the lack there of. Connection. Sexual alchemy. Marriage with and without kids. Trauma. Responsibility. She shines a light on all of it-- but never with sanctimony. Her work lets reality finally breathe.... uncloaked, so we can learn from it vs getting continually stuck in judgment. She discusses "what is" vs "what should be ....but never really was nor will be." These are often the same topics that come up when I coach clients, so her work rings achingly true. I've recommended her work to many clients whether they're married, dating or in between. Whether they have dealt first hand with infidelity or not. Why? Because Perel discusses the human condition in a new, enlightening way & her work reveals alternative ways to communicate & connect with those we love, about topics we've been dodging. It's authentic. So now her latest book, THE STATE OF AFFAIRS is out. Wow. Even juicier, deeper, more revealing and enlightening. Without meaning to, she may have written the first guidebook to having healthier relationships (with ourselves and others) in the REAL world, because she tells us the actual state of affairs, not that Face-tuned version. Yes it's about infidelity... but really it's about SO much more. Cannot recommend it highly enough. I listen to the Audible version in my car & also at night when I sit outside. It's like hanging out with your smartest girlfriend after she's traveled the world. So grateful for her honesty, hard work, passion and compassion-- all of which she shares with lucky us. IG aging.gracefully
I had higher hopes for this book, but Ms. Perel has covered much of this ground before in her earlier book and her immensely popular YouTube videos. She brings some new insights, but not many. Her approach is deliberately not comprehensive and scientific, but anecdotal. That works for a while, then I felt like I was in a room full of strangers, each with one little story to tell. That felt tedious.
Esther Perel offers wisdom and insight into almost every conceivable type of human infidelity and the underlying causes. Though every affair is different and will not resonate with every reader, every reader will find something in this book that personally resonates. We're all human! When reading this book, I was in the midst of writing a novel that involved the first marital transgression in a 25-year marriage, and I wondered if such a scenario was even believable. Who would wait 25 years before suddenly being unfaithful? Perel's book helped me understand how easily - and often - this happens, and empowered me to write with more confidence. I also liked Perel's take on marriages that are not monogamous, but forced obstenance by one of the partners. Perel asks the question, Who is the offender in such a union, when sex has been denied and thus sought elsewhere? I also appreciated the chapter on the "other woman", a role that is often neglected and that deserves more of our thought and understanding. This book will fascinate even those of the human race who believe their life has never been touched by infidelity, for it is a human behavior that has touched nearly all of us at some time in our lives.
An objective and socio-anthropological view on one of the most sensitive areas within today's romantic relationships. I recommend this book to everyone who is interested in the topic for one reason or the other. This is a fascinating book full of real stories of pain and hope.Many of the questions that are addressed here are the ones that we are frequently asked by couples at our offices. Esther goes to places that not too many people dare to go. It is a valuable read and resource for sure.
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